A Tear For Jen

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Time Warp:

So apparently, my computer, which broke in February, will not pull up anyones blog after february 2006.

Seriously.

When I pull up musings of the lame, all I can see is clauds last blog entry from february 2006 talking about the new firstmom and adoptive mom links.

Nothing after. I tried to google later entries and everything pops up february 2006.
Wow. It's really foggy out and I feel like I'm in this weird foggy time warp. There's clauds blog exactly like it was february 2006. My little bloggy is still her second link.

It says, "tear for jen: my friend sunnys blog" Click on the link and there is blog, black as night the way it was in february 2006. My plights with my little aharon are still in the making. Oh yes, it was over then already in febrary, yet somehow managed to drag on long enough for him to propose and then realize how silly his proposal was....

sigh....

WOW.
Is it for real? I mean for really real? By some fluke of fate....my blog reapeared.

Not the entire blog.... october is completely missing as well as november, december 05, and january....but my blog? HERE?!!!

I didn't reinstate it. I did nothing! And yet, suddenly... here is all is...

How delightful! I wish I could find the rest of it. Maybe it too will magically reappear some day.

It's good to be back.

Really good.

Or not. Perhaps it only appears that way from the computer that I just got fixed that I haven't used in..... almost a year. Because this post doesn't appear. It's just the old post from February.

Well hey, check this out....
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Do you really think I'm punk?

Well, it's not as cool as new wave. But it's a lot better than preteen!
posted by roxanol at 11:45 AM 0 comments

Nanooo Nanooo
So...I am feeling a bit silly. You know it's weird, I have been playing on myspace and I think I can feel my brain cells deleting themselves. I will soon be reduced to small pathetic pile of...hehehe jk heheh lol roflmao hehehe ttyl hehe.

Honestly, I love the internet. I love to write, I love to share who I am, and I like the ability to share certain things with humans other than your friends, because well, I don't know. Somethings I don't want to talk about with certain people though I know they are hungry to know my darkest secrets. I prefer to do the nomral thing, and share my darkest secrets with the general public.

But when it's just to easy, I skip the part about having something to say and go straight to the wanting to share it. Will you talk to me..hehe hehe. That's all I have to say. I believe if I were wise I would stop typing, riight aboouut...now.
posted by roxanol at 10:30 AM 0 comments

Saturday, February 18, 2006
I'm so bored!!!!!!!!!!



OOOOHHHHH MMMMYYYYY GOOOOOODDD! I'm not sure if it is feasable to be any more BORED! and what is more? I can't even THINK anything other than the repetition of "I am bored. I am bored. I am bored."

I believe it is Saturday night and I am reminded that I don't have any friends. Wait I forgot about Kate. Lol. I should call her....yes yes yes. I know she would have me over for movies. Oh can I confess? A little secret...

Will you read it Kate?

Ah...well...I feel to...raunchy. What is the word? Kate is one of those people who'se..you know. Happy. She has really nice clothes. She has always had a group of really good, really healthy friends. Allways had a supportive family albeit fighting within that I am sure, but even still a LOT of support.

And I'm happy to. I'm silly and goofy and a big dork. But I'm just a big weirdo!!! I feel like I'm too silly and there's a part of me that is way too crass for you know..NORMAL PEOPLE.

No one thinks they are normal. I know this. We are all individuals in our own ways. Some people just seem to be individuals in ways that fit in very well with the ways that other people are individuals.


And other people are just...dorks.
posted by roxanol at 9:13 PM 0 comments

A bench and a blue sky.
I sat on the bench. The wind blew her hair, yellow, glistening in the sun. Glistening over the vast field beyond the wooden fench loppy and rickety in the yard before me.

Leaf gathering. Spinning in circles.
"Spin me!! Chase me!! Hold me upside down!!"
And my favorite. "Hold me." Simple and yet so earnest and so dear to my heart.

But now on the bench. I can not move, but only to smile gently at the beautiful dark eyes which gaze up at me.

It's alright. This momment will forever be a part of her world. As if it is eternity. As if she were in my arms forever. This moment has to hold within it all my love.

For soon I will be gone.
Again.
"M says when we're gone she always misses us every day...and she CRIES!!" delivered with a delightful squeel and more spinning..spinning in circles. Such a beautiful dear heart.

I don't recall ever saying that, and yet I like feeling that she knows...and also that it only makes her heart swell with joy. As it should.
posted by roxanol at 12:05 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 13, 2006
Chris
Last night he came to me as if he had been waiting for me to remember him and then appear. He cried, oh yes tears, and held my hand through the gate.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! M, I love you, this is my wife, evreyone this is my wife!!!"

Slightly awkward, as I am not supposed to know the "poplulation" I work with outside of work, but all that makes me feel is f*ck it, I want to quit this f*cking job. Chris is my family. He's my f*cking family and quite frankly just caring on him on such a frosty evening is more imortant to me than the ridiculous title of "social worker". I'd rather just love people and be whoever the hell I am. See human beings as human beings. And just be there.

I take him out to the side of the building. He cries more, oh cries more and he curls his tall skinny body up into a ball. Cries tears that chill your bones, my bones, I've cried them too.

"I feel like I am in elementary school! They left, they left..." he sobs hysterically rocking himself back and forth, "When no nobody would be my friend!!!" sobbing sobbing

"I sat alone everyday, M, nobody would be my friend. It hurts. I'm hurting, I just want someone to be my friend and not hurt me or use me, they're hurting me M, they're hurting me!" he looks up at me, "They're raping...my mind." he grabs his hair and pulls on it and sees how I respond, "and they're raping...me!" Crying crying. "It hurts!" He screams and falls into more sobs.

"I know it does, Chris. I know it does."

He's got his arms wrapped around his legs and he cries such sweet tears. Big huge dark eyes. Like a puppy.

"I miss you and I miss Shean. I love Shean. I don't want to talk to him right now, M, if you hadn't found me right now, I would never have sought you out because I'm ashamed. I don't want anyone to see me like this." oh crying.

I know I'm a drug addict, I want to stop being a drug addict, I want to get better. I just want to be a good person."he sobs into his hands. This big gangly skinny sad broken broken man, and how I love him. "I am a good person," his face cracks with tears, so many tears.

"I know you're a good person Chris, I know honey. It's ok. You have always been a good person Chris. I know."

And he is. He is so beautiful. He has always begged the world for love and he has always been too f*cked up and weird to ever get it. He's got a life time of unspeakable sorrows and isolation and a world full of people who don't want to hear about it. Who don't want to see what the rest of a souls life is like after they've been broken.


I know what it's like. What can I say. I love him more than words can describe and I will always love him more than words can describe.

I have so many memories of him putting on the Cure or Tori Amos and prancing around the house. Decorating, cleaning. He was always silly. Writing poetry on the walls of the bathroom. Telling his stories, crazy f*cking Chris stories. He is like my brother. Or maybe like my son. Because he never had a mother.

He had a monster, that beat him and left him in the basement, made him bark like a dog for scraps of food, him and his sisters. And a priest grandfather who tortured him and made him pray to god while doing unspeakable things. And a school full of Mexicanos and he was the one white kid that couldn't stop from running his mouth like a maniac about the evils of drugs and violence and whatever his grandad had shoved down his throught...(though ideas probably weren't the worst of it). So he got beat up or ignored everywhere he went.

But there was me and there was Emily and there was Shean. We're still here, but I know Chris doesn't want to be.

HE says, "I want to quit, but I just want to be happy, and I think it will never be ok and sometimes I wonder if I should just leave this earth because they're going to do horrible things to me!" sobbing sobbing. He stands up and he says, "I want to be happy" still crying, " I want to go back to school..."

He still cries the same way. He still aches. I ache for him. I love him.
posted by roxanol at 5:25 AM 2 comments

Saturday, February 11, 2006
The Most Beautiful Lamo I Ever Met
Claud. I am crying in the coffee shop. Oh my dear dear friend. I have been so happy that you are out in the world. I love you Claud. He is you. He has always been, your spirit, your clan. He is made out of your heart. And what a beautiful heart to be made out of. Every pirate needs his mommy. You take him home Claud, let him be with his people.

Arrrr!
posted by roxanol at 1:12 PM 2 comments

Another for my Muse
Somehow I decided if I at least had something to offer, some kind of trade I could tear into someone and drink their love and it would be fair. I can reap their hearts of love and they can tear up my soul for sex. But there isn't even a soul left to tear up. There's no juicy innoncence within me to rape and pillage. I have nothing to offer. I want too much. F*ck wanting, I need too much. I need too much. I wish I would have known some way to act, some way to see who it was in front of me. Some way to show you that I want to be what you need. I am so f*cked up.

I don't even know what that means anymore. You were so disinterested and I was so desperate. You lead me on and yet blamed me for wanting to much. You know you were playing with my head. Come on.I've lost everyone. Everyone. I screamed and I cried howls that echoed through the halls. Monty held my hand while I went in and out of consciousness, I told him, "Monty, tell me I'm not going to die" his face was white. "You're not going to die" but I could see it in his eyes. He didn't know. I disappeared again for a while. They called me in the hospital to tell me that I needed to take the time for myself, they didn't think they should visit. They didn't want to be around me, but it was for my own good.I'm still in hell, so if you're supposed to face hell and unspeakable pains alone then the rest of my journey on earth will be a lonely one.


All I want to do is survive it. So that my mom won't go insane from losing me. I don't know how. I don't know how to survive it. I have no idea. So that my daughter won't be in school one day and find out that her mother is dead. So that my daughter won't meet me one day and look in my eyes and see hell staring back at here. I can't bear this pain. I just want to fall apart and break and collapse in someones arms. I want to howl and to not hide in the shadows hoping no one will hear the echoes of my bleeding heart. It's like the size of a blue whales. I didn't know how much blood could pour from the chambers of one human soul. I feel so alone. And if all humans will reject me for my pain, then that will always be the case. And that is their self preservation. That's ok. I don't mind fading away into the land of the forgotten and dying alone without a word so as not to disturb the lives or hearts of other human beings. I should not have spoken at all if I had been one with compassion. I shouldn't speak to anyone.


What of Kate? What happens when I feel the blood again and my brain starts screaming within itself and the taste of blood poors down my spine and I scream? When reality melts into the realm of the unreal and I am no longer human, I leave this world and all that I have known because the pain sears through my brain and is too much for one living human body to withstand? So my soul expands and seeks the solace of the realm of the dead. Where there are no longer humans or bodies or souls or questions or answers. Where nothingness reigns. If you know anything of death you would tear up your very flesh to never see it. I've seen too much. It's too late for me. I will never truly relate to living beings again. I can only cling to them and gaze as if looking through millenia, through solar systems and galaxies, through a black hole of time to this tiny flicker, a seconds passing that is life.

The beings who are still absorbed in that tiny moment and still see life as something that's forever and still trust in all those things life brings. Love, dancing, star struck eyes, moments that seem to last forever, cheery times of eating and laughing, feeling so safe that death will never come, feeling secure by tasting and feeling all the trivial pursuits of the senses we struggle and fight to gain constant access to while we exist, feeling like human beings can keep you safe with their love. And when we win that game we feel safe and happy.

But the darkness still lives in my heart. Love itself feels like death to me. I would destroy you if I let you make me feel it. Love. But I want you to make me feel it. I want someone, someone to witness the explosion of the fabric of existance that is death and make me real by seeing me there. I'm just not sure anyone can withstand that. I don't want someone to be left dangling with my broken pieces in their arms in a hell they will never be able to get free off. You can't withstand or even witness that kind of pain and ever be human again. You're something else. Something as distant as the stars and as enormous as all the universes combined. Something no one ever wants to be. Something I don't want to be. I don't want to be this.

I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to live. I wanted to be trapped in the bubble if not the illusion of life and feel all the beauty with in it. Feel its realness, feel its permanence, feel it was something that would last forever. I wanted to gaze in someones eyes and carry each other forever and feel that safeness and security and bliss of floating enmeshed within another human being for all of time. No matter what. I wanted to be there for each other no matter what. I wanted that to be all that mattered and everything else comes together because no matter what you'll allways save each other, you'll always find it, whatever it is you need for that day to make in on into the next moment that is safe and ongoing.

I wanted to have Christmases with Christmas decorations and endless gifts of love and eggnog and warm lights. I wanted to have nights of talking forever under the stars and feeling like it was so safe. I wanted to have a home and a family and to go camping and sing stupid camp songs that you thought were lame when you were a kid but you feel compelled all of a sudden to initiate your children into regardless. I wanted to have friends that you can tell anything to, that you know would always be there no matter what. I wanted summers at the beach. I wanted years of grandma and grandpa and all to be ok. Their smiling faces to be unbroken by unspeakable and irreparable sorrows.I wanted to be ok.

Why are we cursed with dreams? Why are we cursed with the ability to see what could have been? I keep hoping, hoping for someone with a mind as expansive as my own. And that's not to say that I'm smart. I'm not. I'm foolish and naive, and even what I know /i often have no clue how to interperet. But someone who can figure out what's going on, what's happening? Where within all this incomprehensible pain is my soul? Where am I? Can anyone find me? Can anyone be with me here? Can anyone tolerate intolerable pain to see my heart? And carry it in it's endless sea of tears? You're right I never gave you a chance. It isn't worth it, to risk breaking you. And yet I miss you when you're gone, and I wonder if I could have been more of what you need.

If I had even taken a moment. Taken a moment to understand you. To understand who you are and not only to seek your love but to love you. I wanted to win your approval. As if you're some solitary being that stands alone without needs, waiting to give me all that I need and cary me if only I could say the right words or give the right way and win your approval. Be seen as having that worth in your eyes.

Who knows blah blah, I ramble on and yet never understand you and you never fill me in. The mystery, I must love it. Relish it's foggy confusing depths.


I've lost everything so many times, I can lose it again, and rest swallowed in the empty chambers of nothingness as I have before.

----------
Yes,it's back. What can I say? I like it, and I am obviously not going to sensor myself here so may as well post what I like.
And there you go Monty, now you are foverever immortalized in my blog.
posted by roxanol at 12:42 PM 3 comments

Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Dorky blogging.
Here I sit. I am bored. It's not that tonight is particularly different than any other night in which I am bored. I simply decided that in an attempt to conquer my overwhelming bordom, I am going to share it with you (the unsuspecting viewer) and defer the sting of its grip upon my spirit. Ah. I am feeling better already.

I have plans every other night of the week. Just so you know how popular I am, I will share that as well.

Wednesday-dinner and movies with mom and dad
Thursday-Spike and Mikes Twisted animated festival or whatever
Friday-Deadwood marathon with Kate and Abby (at mom and dad's house (they have Deadwood on DVD!!!))
Saturday-Hang out with D
Sunday-soccer practice

So. As you can tell. My mom and dad think I am totally cool, as well should you. In case you are not yet filled with the spirit of boredom which has so motivated this exhilerating blogging adventure, I will further share with you descriptions of the folks here in the coffee shop where I sit. Old man in front of me, wrinkly, grampa man hunched over a book. (aren't old people cute?!) Reeeeeally trendy folk in the corner, some majenta skirts, you know the HAIR where it's all long and sideways and like moosed flat with streaks of bleach or blue or whatever is the trendy color? By the way is 'moosed' a word?

I am most intrigued with old man. I wonder if he has grandkids, or even great grandkids!! He seems like such a pleasant grampa man, like he grew up all quiet like on a farm or some such. Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher. Okay. Done.

Ugh I am still bored!!!! I want instant gratification!!!!!!! I want human beings to talk to me NOW!!! Ok, maybe I particularly want boys to talk to me now. WHERE ARE THE BOYS?!!!! I suppose it's hard to meet people when you only go to the grocery store and work? Well, the grocery store boys like me.....sigh. I can only date so many boys at one grocery store before I feel as dorky as I am. Sigh again.

So. I want more coffee. Yet I am so totally broke. So alright. Here is what happened, there is this person who keeps talking to me and they seem like a very nice person accept that they are married and I keep getting scared that if I talk to a boy and he is married than somehow I am going to be flirting with him and I am having an affair!! But he is such a good person to talk to!! I don't understand people!!! And see he said this... "I really like you."

Ok do you say that to someone you want to be friends with? If you were a married guy would you talk to someone and be like, "I really like you."

Maybe you do! I don't know? Oh look there is an old man who has the cutest smile ever!!!! Oh it's the same one!! Oh what a cute old man!!! And his grandson is so gay with a lisp!! What a cute gay boy and his cute little smiley grampa!! Aww I am feeling so gushy now!! I want to just SQUEEZE THEM!!!!!

But then about this person, it makes me sad because I think, is he only talking to me because he thinks I am going to have some kind of affair with him and he'll stop talking to me if I'm not going to? Which kind of makes me want to cry! Because he seems so nice! Hehe, ok I am done being a big dork now.
posted by roxanol at 6:16 PM 2 comments

Sunday, February 05, 2006
My conversation with the head that came through the roof of my porch which turned out to be a guy named Jimmy and guess what...Jimmy's ADOPTED!!!!!
So...I should start with how I met Jimmy. Once, many many minutes and seconds ago, I was sleeping in my bed. You know just lying there innocently sleeping away. And then, I hear all this running. I'm rolling around with the pillow over my head grumbling when I start hearing some sirens. SIRENS. I'm still trying to sleep when I hear a knock on my door. I go and open it, and no one is there but all around my apartment is like 10 BILLION firetrucks and these firemen guys are funning all up and down the stairs. I'm thinking, "Ah Ah! I am totally going to be exploded in a fire and no one even told me!!!" So I yell at a fireman guy, "What's going on?"

He's says, "There's a fire, we put it out."

My neighbor peeks his head out of his door and says, "Hey...there was a fire right above your porch, you might want to see if there is any damage."

I look outside and there's a bunch of fireman guys all up on the porch above me and charcoal every where. Then Shean calls and he's like, "Ahhhhhh what's going on there's firetruck guys all around your apartments!!!!"

So I make him come upstairs and the fireman guys come through my apartment to cut out boards and whatever they were doing. So they cut all these boards out to get rid of the burning embers still left in the wood.

Finally I allow Shean to leave who says he must work. I am fixing to go back to bed when I hear another knock. I open my door and there's this kid standing there all shame faced.

"Hey," he says, "I'm sorry, I'm the guy who started the fire."

I'm for some reason amused because I'm not used to people feeling the need to apologize to me (besides Shean but that's another story)

I say, "It's cool man, how did it happen?"

He says, "I left a cigarette on the porch and it set the porch on fire."

"Wow."

He says, "Can I make it up to you, can I buy you a chair or something?"

I say, "Nah, I don't really care man honestly."

He says, "Well I'll buy you a chair."

So I say ok.



That's how I met Jimmy.

Just a bit ago, I was sitting on porch shooting the shizzel with my friend Kiks, when I realize there is a head upside down coming through my porch.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" I jump up and knock over my coffee which spills all over the guys porch beneath me. Meanwhile the head starts talking.

So I asks him his name and he says Jimmy. I ask my friend if I can call her back, as I am attempting to converse with a head that came through the cieling of my porch. Meanwhile as I hang up I hear the guy down stairs yelling,
"Look, I'm not gonna put up with this sh*t, yesterday there was a guy puking over the balcony up there and now there's sh*t all over my porch, I mean what the f*ck..."

I stick my head over and say, "I'm really sorry! Ah!"

Jimmy sticks his head over his balcony and says, "Hey, look I wasn't here, but if I was I would have beat the guy, I'm sorry about that man..."

The guy is still pissed.

"Look, I'm just telling you, I'm not putting up with this sh*t, I mean if someone spills something that's fine, but I mean come on, you don't puke over the balcony man, you shouldn't be letting that go on in your house while you're not around, alright? I'm an easy enough guy to get along with, but come on."

Jimmy says he's sorry and it won't happen again.

So then Jimmy asks if I want to hang out as oppossed to talking to him while he dangles through the hole in his porch. So I say ok. I've been bored.

We're all sitting there chatting on his porch and he says he kind of Jewish, but not by blood. I say, "How do you mean?"

He says, "Well, my mom was Jewish, but she converted to Christianity."

So I say, "Well then you would still be Jewish" Although I know where this is going having come to the uncomfortable pause in conversations where you know you will have to explain that you're adopted.

He grins kind of bashfully and says, "Well it's kind of weird, I'm adopted." He looks at his friend and his friend kind of backs him and smiles and they both laugh about how weird it is and he says, "Yeah it's a strange situation."

I say, "Yeah, I have an idea, I'm adopted."

He looks at me, "You're adopted?!"

I say yeah.

He says, "Oh my god that's awesome, then you know!!!"

I smile, "Yes there will be plenty of time for adoptee bonding," and laugh.

We talk about it, if he knows his mom. I love it, he calls both his moms mom and his dads dad just like I do, so you never know what he's saying unless you know how to listen. But I do. It's weird I watch him and I realize I haven't actually had these conversations with other adopted people. I can tell, when he talks about it you can see this world swimming inside him of things unsaid.

He gets quiet and you know when you talk about it with people who don't know you say something simple like, "Oh yeah, it's neat!" but you expect someone with depth will see there's more. Obviously there's more. Obviously you're not going to be an ass and go around telling everyone to pity you and feel sorry for you. You'll put a good face on it, after all there ARE worse sufferings. But you still want them so see and a lot of people do see.

He laughs when we talk about talking to the "non-adopted world" He smiles and says, "Yeah people are always like, 'Oh that's so cool, I KNOW someone who was adopted!!" And you're like, "Ok..."

He's a sweet kid. It's weird, I realize that when I find out someone was adopted, I have this weird feeling of wonderment. All of a sudden they have this beauty, the beauty of what they carry from her. From him. What is in their mothers heart? What is in her eyes, what is in her spirit that he bears also? What is in her laugh, how does she feel, where did his emotions come from? Where did his heart come from? I get that with other people too, but I just feel this, is it sorrow? Like, what parts of her heart does he carry in her, what intrensic parts of her legacy live on in him? The parts that were the most pure, the parts that were begging to free themselves from the hardships that had shaped the woman who created, and become a new being, fresh, beatiful, new. When I think of peoples' mothers I see the beauty in the faults of human beings. You see how so much of us is this beautiful creation that has come down for so many generations, so many hearts, so many loves, so many tears and experiences. So many eons of life becoming and hanging on through it all no matter what. And all those traits are what have brought you into existence, as imperfect or faulted as they may be percieved, they are perfect because they accomplished their mission. They carried on the legacy of life to another being.
posted by roxanol at 4:40 PM 4 comments

Friday, February 03, 2006
Let the Bad Times Roll...
Sometimes people say things like, "Without the bad times, we can't have the good times." "Without the valleys there would be no mountains." "Let go of the past and live in the now."

What a load of crap!!!!!!! You know what? I remember being at the pool and eating drumsticks ooey gooey on my hands in the hot sun. Squeeling in a purple bathing suit, giggling and splashing for hours and it never got old. Sitting underneath the wooden structure in the park, organizing pebbles into villages in the dirt. Nobody died. Nobody was horribly ill. No horrible car crashes with bleeding death insanity. No crazy war zones with everyone getting shot and my soul turning inwards into wells of hell that run deeper than the core of this earth. And you know what? I was SOOOOO happy!!! You know, quite frankly, I just didn't need horrible trauma in order to have happiness. I'll be perfectly honest. I think you can have love, depth, compassion, and humanity, with out ever being tortured, raped, beaten, murdered, widowed, or having some woman come and take your child from your arms within their first days on this earth.

Sometimes pain and hell on earth is just...pain and hell on earth. It's really not essential at all. But you know, with the mentality that all human suffering is a "growth experience", we might as well just make our childrens lives as miserable as possible....all the valleys of being beaten and tortured and hated and starved, they'll lead to mountains of eternal happiness....um in the next life since they'll probably commit suicide before getting very far in this one. And if they do, good riddance to bad rubbish!! Every one should get the hell beat out of them and just deal with it and not whine like little babies. Toughen up. Rape is good for you little brat. You go to school, make money, and you stop having emotions like a good little capitalist robot. Oh, you're feeling kind of depressed? You're having some emotional issues? You're feeling pain and you can't concentrate and every day life feels heavy and impossible? Take some meds, you psycho.

Oh, while you were depressed some guy came and skrewed you and now you're preggo? Good, we were needing another infant cause Bob and Jane, the rich folks down the street, can't concieve. They make better money than you, hold down a job you could only dream of, and obviously have more beautiful souls than you ever will. So yeah, be a good girl. Hand over baby, admitt you are a pathetic little waste of a human and you would never amount to shit as a parent. Go on. Admitt it.

That's right. Hand over baby, that's right. Good. Good, you did the right thing. That's right. Oh you're still crying? Wow are YOU pathetic? Don't you get it? That baby was never even yours to begin with!!!! Duh, it's Bob and Janes! Wow, you must have some sort of problems to actually want that baby. You're aweful selfish now, aren't you? You're aweful selfish to hand over your baby to people who rightfully deserved the child and then spend all sorts of time crying over missing THEIR baby (as if there is any REAL connection between the two of you anyway, you moron?!). If there is any pain, remember, it's good for you. Pain and torture and suffering are good for human beings which is why we do our best to make sure you get as much as possible!!! Just think of all the depth you'll have, think of all the valleys you have...and if the weight of your torment destroys you, well then...oops! You're obviously just kind of a "weak" human being. You haven't "embraced god" you haven't "embraced the greatness of adoption". You haven't realized that within Gods plan of divine compassion, he sent you to hell on earth and that's where you belong, so rot there with a smile BIRTHMOTHER!!!!!!!!!!


DEADWOOD QUOTE OF THE DAY

The Reverand:
This is God's purpose, but not knowing the purpose is my portion of suffering.
Doc's reply:
If this is (God's) will, He is a son of a bitch.
posted by roxanol at 2:45 PM 1 comments

Convenient Store Guy
He's back!!!!! Oh how I missed my favorite convenient store worker guy! And now I can buy water and cigarettes without fear of the small old Korean man pulling me out of the store saying, "You want cook Korean food? Yes! Come...cook Korean food!!"

I will not say his name so we'll just call him P. But I will say, that if you're friends with P, well then you're down with me.....friends of P....friends of P......


(here it is me on this day of November 4th 2006....wowzers! it's all here! well I'm tickled)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Yup. It's all gone. I feel relieved even though I feel sad and I wonder why I deleted everything so spur of the moment with out thinking. I was just getting tired. Why am I doing this? Sharing so much of my heart and soul just so that a-holes can critique everything about me? Who am I helping? I don't have the internal resources that some of the amazing women here in the blogosphere have to block out the criticisms of the insensitive souls in the world and maintain unwavering self-esteem through it all.

I read yet another, nother, nother, nother attack against my character as a human being and I just noticed how it was affecting my body. Physically. I do listen to other human beings perspectives. But is having every aspect of your soul, emotions, behaviors, surival mechanisms, and personality condemned insulted, and picked to pieces really about constructive criticism? Or is it just another a-hole wanting to put you down and brag arrogantly about all things about themselves they feel are better than you?

I would like to have the patience to entertain dialogue with every ignorant shmuck who wanders onto my site and babbles nonsense about knowing who I am, who I should be, who I should strive to be, how I should feel about my experiences, and what my experience of life should be about. But I just don't. Nor should I. I'm bored of dealing with people who lack depth, the capacity for understanding and compassion. I'm just tired. So all you a-holes out there, meander about finding other souls to insult.

I like having a place where I can share everything about myself. Reality is, if we are all honest there are very real character flaws and human failings within all of us. Self improvement is great and all, but it will always be just that. Self-improvement, never self-perfection. And often times the ways the rest of the world determines we must become perfect, or just strive to be better, or not the ways that matter the most to our hearts. Sometimes you can lose yourself in all those images of perfection, and forget what it means to love human beings as they are. Without requiring them to change, insulting them for who they are, how they feel, or the areas in which they are struggling.

In any case, if you wish to speak to me, I'm around eh?